Once again a whole month has gone by and I've but only blinked. This month hasn't been crazy busy, I haven't felt too stressed out but I have had many thoughts on life and work and what's important. I'll attempt to organize them as best as I can.
I recently had a reawakening in my practice of mindfulness or what some call meditation. Once again it can be linked to thinking of my own mortality. I have experienced near death situations several times in my life. Or at least pretty life threatening and severe bodily harm. Each time this has happened I have had the typical grounding effect that most people experience. I was more thankful for each breath, more aware of how amazing the moment was, and less distracted by other little thoughts and engaged more in the present. A brain eating amoeba that is found in warm fresh water came to mind as I plunged into research park pond to grab a disc I found while wading out in my crocs. Immediately I thought of this rare amoeba that has only taken 34 lives across the US in the last decade. the chances of getting it are slim to none. On par with winning a big lottery. But, it still happens. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac if you haven't noticed. And for the last few days the thought of this amoeba crawling up my nose to wreak havoc on my brain has been bothering me. I have to remind myself of the statistics and think if it were really that big of an issue that no one would swim in freshwater. Young guys jump into research park ponds all year and we've never had a problem... Anyways, just that thought has been making me dive into the mindset of the great stoics: what would you do if today was your last? Better yet, just the reminder that you could leave life right now and should act accordingly. Now I don't mean do something crazy like drive a car fast, skydive or finish off your bucket list. I mean how you treat others, how you soak up each moment. When you are aware of each moment, disciplined to stay in the moment and not let your mind squander the seconds with unnecessary thoughts or worries than the moment is much more beautiful. You can capture it more completely. I'll talk a little nicer, I'll take advantage of my time with family more and spend less time on my phone. I love these things but not exactly the reason why I feel more compelled to do them.
Shouldn't we all be this way a the time? Isn't that how life is supposed to be? Just people, living in the moment. Not living for each other, perhaps for themselves and their God but just living out each waking moment knowing it could be the last? Maybe this mindset is something that middle class Americans, like myself, have forgotten. I'm not even an average middle class American either; I'm in the Army, I've jumped out of planes/helicopter, I've participated in sports and recreations that have serious risks and have driven all types of motorcycles through the heat of summer and the bite of North Carolina winters. Even still, the thought of mortality is something a little farther away than it should be. Guys/Gals who have been in the army a few years more than myself are much more acquainted with it because of their actual war time experience. Most deployments these days carry little risk and statistically are safer than simply walking the streets of Fayetteville or other crime ridden areas in the states. I recently saw a picture of an old time mountain man who was living/sleeping in a log that had been dug out and had just killed a deer and hacked off it's leg to roast over a bare fire. The caption read: "you might be tough, but are you live out of a log, kill a deer and roast it over a fire in the middle of nowhere tough?". While kind of funny, it made me think of how much softer the world and America has become. I say this because of some things that I think would be tough pale in comparison to what the frontiersmen went through. Ranger School. 61 days of suck. But every day you are gauranteed 2 MRE's and a few hours sleep. Yes you will ruck several miles a day through the woods, get rained, snowed, hailed on. It might be blazing hot or freezing cold but it's in Georgia so it's not that cold right? I think of that as tough and it's only 61 days. Men of the past did that crap far less equipped for much longer. Years on end more than likely just to stay alive... or was it to keep them happy? Who's to say. Just some thoughts I had.
Today I have experienced a failure. I failed my first master's class at liberty university. Was I pretty behind on school work? Yes, I was. Regardless I could have passed had it not been for one simple fact: instead of ending today, a Sunday, which every other week in the course has ended, it ended on Friday which was two days ago. Sundays have been my catch up days and this Sunday was to be no different. That was until I realized that all my assignments, late, turned in or yet to be submitted had all been graded. There were more 0's than I wanted and not enough of anything else to make it a passing grade. I was a little disappointed and a little relieved. I really didn't want to spend my afternoon doing classwork or even thinking about it for that matter. Disappointed because it was a failure that will be paid for with my paycheck at the cost of about 900 bucks. I think the lesson here is this though: the coursework I had intended to bring me closer in a relationship with God was pushing me away. I say this because I came to dread the course work which was intense and completely alien from my last two degrees. I'll admit as well I didn't like to actually work and have to be spiritual about it if that makes sense. I'd rather my relationship with God be fueled by my own desire for Him and not for the grades or deadlines. The verse of the day ties in well to this lesson: "Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4. I think that maybe I was going for this degree more for myself than for God. I'll also admit that between the move and starting work I have prayed less and thought less than Godly things. I pray now that I will use my time more for a relationship and less of the tangible accolades. By that I mean I'm going to take a break from academia and focus more on relationships. Not only with God but also with my family. I can always do school later and frankly none of the school matters while I'm still in the Army.
More to follow, hopefully sooner than later. I love to peck away at this keyboard to get my thoughts down. I truly enjoy seeing words on a page. Something else that I know and think has often been taken for granted: the level of communication in the written word. Whether it be the bible or a blog, the written word is powerful and not to be forgotten or taken for granted. Certainly not to be underestimated.