22 November 2020

       Well, with more free time on my hands and less anxiety about opening up my laptop I can care free type away at another blog post. Which I do enjoy very much. I don't have much to report about this week other than I survived and am glad to have another week in front of me. I faced some anxious times as I have been fighting off a migraine of sorts for the last 5-6 days. I'm not sure if it's a migraine or a tension head ache from my constant bad posture at work and home. I am leaning more towards a tension head ache though because after a little self massage guided by a youtube physical therapist my headache felt a lot better and I woke up with no headache and have managed to go almost all day without feeling any noticeable pain. I would like to say I'll make it a nightly routine but like stretching and meditating I just haven't made a habit of it yet....(Oren has just gotten out of bed and I'm going to have to put him back to sleep.)

     My posture is pretty terrible at work and at home. I'm always looking down at something it seems and cranking my neck down. I really enjoy being outside on walks and getting to look up at the sky and the trees. Makes my neck feel good and my mind. I like taking the boys on long wagon rides through the neighborhood. each walk is a little over a mile, sometimes over 2 miles. Each mile is around 25 minutes too when pushing or pulling the wagon. I like to push the wagon so I can see what the boys are doing in front of me. As they have gotten older they are starting to kick and hit and all those things that little boys do. I love the walks we take and the usual sights we see. I thank God each and every day, multiple times a day, for the wonderful kids I have. Something I never thought of as a younger man, having kids, but now I couldn't imagine life without them. Makes me wonder what the next stage of life will be like: Life after kids. Is it freedom? or perhaps a little more boredom. A little longing for something else. I have thoughts like that often, of what it must be like to have grown up children and what it's like when they don't come around for so long. Being in the Army for 7 years before moving back to my hometown for recruiting I saw my parents around once a year on average I'd say. I'm sure that they missed me alot, I definitely missed them as well but I think it may have been easier for me to not dwell on it having to deal with the all engulfing army life. I feel now, being home, that the army is far less engulfing now. It feels more like a strict job than a voluntary prison sentence. A voluntary prison sentence... perhaps that's a little harsh. After all, I am getting paid, promotions, and a retirement at the end of it. I should be more grateful for it. I could have easily been turned away from military service by my recruiter and the life I know now could have disappeared like an alternative narrative in a not so parallel universe.  

    An old family friend, who I'll call hop, was recently readmitted to the hospital and subsequently released back to his house this week. He was going in to renal failure after a day or two of, from what I can gather, being undecided on what he wanted. After a day of no dialysis and feeling like death he decided it wasn't for him. Hop was of regular attendance of Iola Missionary Baptist Church when I went many moons ago so I know him to be a God fearing man. I think that he may have had a nice long talk with our Lord on that day he decided he wanted to go back to the hospital and live. He's had a rough few years, so I can't really judge him for what he put himself through this week. He has lost his mom, dad and grandmother all in the last 3-4 years I think. Perhaps less than that. He lived with those three almost his entire life and so they were a very close family. I can't imagine that kind of loss. I pray for him now and I want to talk with him soon. In person if I can, but he's under self quarantine right now. I just think of him and wonder what he and God talked about this week. I want to ask him what his prayers were, what answers God gave him. I wish I could say my faith was bigger than it is. I wish I could just walk in the doors of a church with no coronavirus worries and be with fellow worshippers. I have taken even that for granted. IMBC is 30 minutes away but I wish I could have driven there this morning. If I were single and no kids than I would attend wearing a mask but I couldn't expose myself more than I already do for work. I pray for a vaccine soon so that we can, as the news moguls want us to believe, get back to a "new" normal. 

     Tomorrow I will, God willing, wake up and work out. I haven't decided what I should do yet. Mondays have almost always been a run day since joining the Army. I have the complete freedom to choose my workouts now and for that I am thankful. I miss the group setting quite a bit though. The other guys get you through some of the really tough workouts and they will push you more than you by yourself. I am pretty good at pushing myself, sometimes. Perhaps a nice sprint and sled drag session tomorrow? I don't want to do that at all but perhaps that's what I need to do. 

     This week I kept one of those small gideons Bibles in my pocket and read a few chapters from Psalms each day. It felt pretty good and was a great daily reminder of what's important and who is important. One thing that stuck out to me in the 2nd chapter was that kings and those all powerful on earth are nothing compared to God. The men behind the curtains in this country and others who secretly wage multi-trillion dollar wars and order this and that have nothing on God. That really stuck out to me. Being in the military and knowing exactly where you stand in the rank structure has a really grounding effect sometimes when you consider all those above you. I, a staff sergeant, am usually in charge of a platoon of around 30 soldiers. Sometimes that gets to my head and so it's nice to be humbled by reading the Psalms and reading how none of that crap matters to God. It's nice to read it and be humbled versus being humbled by God himself or the next higher rank! I pray I am able to become more humble. I shaved my head today, not bald but down to a 1/8in. I like having a shaved head. I feel slightly more humble and disciplined. Like a monk almost, but blended in more to regular society. After all, plenty of people shave their heads like me. I inwardly hold on to the idea that shaving my head is my own way of discipline and a forced humbleness as I can't be vain about a shaved head. It is also very convenient as I only have one soap in the shower to use and I don't need to pay good money to cut my own hair. Back in 2014 I bought a pair of Wahl clippers, just the regular old base model with the guards from 1/8in to a whole inch and these $20 clippers has probably saved me more than 500 bucks in haircuts over the years. Each time I cut my own hair I save myself 20-30 bucks. I've paid 40 dollars for a haircut before and never again. I've always thought too that if I ever start to lose my hair that I won't prolong the process with a comb over or cling to what's left and that I'll just shave it off and be bald. I've been bald before and have gone through a few stages of shaving my head slick. It's a lot of work at first but it gets easier. Somedays I eagerly think of that so I can shave my head bald all the time. Ah well, until then I guess I shouldn't take my youthful mane for granted either! 

Meditations, failures and realizations.

      Once again a whole month has gone by and I've but only blinked. This month hasn't been crazy busy, I haven't felt too stressed out but I have had many thoughts on life and work and what's important. I'll attempt to organize them as best as I can.

     I recently had a reawakening in my practice of mindfulness or what some call meditation. Once again it can be linked to thinking of my own mortality. I have experienced near death situations several times in my life. Or at least pretty life threatening and severe bodily harm. Each time this has happened I have had the typical grounding effect that most people experience. I was more thankful for each breath, more aware of how amazing the moment was, and less distracted by other little thoughts and engaged more in the present. A brain eating amoeba that is found in warm fresh water came to mind as I plunged into research park pond to grab a disc I found while wading out in my crocs. Immediately I thought of this rare amoeba that has only taken 34 lives across the US in the last decade. the chances of getting it are slim to none. On par with winning a big lottery. But, it still happens. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac if you haven't noticed. And for the last few days the thought of this amoeba crawling up my nose to wreak havoc on my brain has been bothering me. I have to remind myself of the statistics and think if it were really that big of an issue that no one would swim in freshwater. Young guys jump into research park ponds all year and we've never had a problem... Anyways, just that thought has been making me dive into the mindset of the great stoics: what would you do if today was your last? Better yet, just the reminder that you could leave life right now and should act accordingly. Now I don't mean do something crazy like drive a car fast, skydive or finish off your bucket list. I mean how you treat others, how you soak up each moment. When you are aware of each moment, disciplined to stay in the moment and not let your mind squander the seconds with unnecessary thoughts or worries than the moment is much more beautiful. You can capture it more completely. I'll talk a little nicer, I'll take advantage of my time with family more and spend less time on my phone. I love these things but not exactly the reason why I feel more compelled to do them. 

     Shouldn't we all be this way a the time? Isn't that how life is supposed to be? Just people, living in the moment. Not living for each other, perhaps for themselves and their God but just living out each waking moment knowing it could be the last? Maybe this mindset is something that middle class Americans, like myself, have forgotten. I'm not even an average middle class American either; I'm in the Army, I've jumped out of planes/helicopter, I've participated in sports and recreations that have serious risks and have driven all types of motorcycles through the heat of summer and the bite of North Carolina winters. Even still, the thought of mortality is something a little farther away than it should be. Guys/Gals who have been in the army a few years more than myself are much more acquainted with it because of their actual war time experience. Most deployments these days carry little risk and statistically are safer than simply walking the streets of Fayetteville or other crime ridden areas in the states. I recently saw a picture of an old time mountain man who was living/sleeping in a log that had been dug out and had just killed a deer and hacked off it's leg to roast over a bare fire. The caption read: "you might be tough, but are you live out of a log, kill a deer and roast it over a fire in the middle of nowhere tough?". While kind of funny, it made me think of how much softer the world and America has become. I say this because of some things that I think would be tough pale in comparison to what the frontiersmen went through. Ranger School. 61 days of suck. But every day you are gauranteed 2 MRE's and a few hours sleep. Yes you will ruck several miles a day through the woods, get rained, snowed, hailed on. It might be blazing hot or freezing cold but it's in Georgia so it's not that cold right? I think of that as tough and it's only 61 days. Men of the past did that crap far less equipped for much longer. Years on end more than likely just to stay alive... or was it to keep them happy? Who's to say. Just some thoughts I had.

     Today I have experienced a failure. I failed my first master's class at liberty university. Was I pretty behind on school work? Yes, I was. Regardless I could have passed had it not been for one simple fact: instead of ending today, a Sunday, which every other week in the course has ended, it ended on Friday which was two days ago. Sundays have been my catch up days and this Sunday was to be no different. That was until I realized that all my assignments, late, turned in or yet to be submitted had all been graded. There were more 0's than I wanted and not enough of anything else to make it a passing grade. I was a little disappointed and a little relieved. I really didn't want to spend my afternoon doing classwork or even thinking about it for that matter. Disappointed because it was a failure that will be paid for with my paycheck at the cost of about 900 bucks. I think the lesson here is this though: the coursework I had intended to bring me closer in a relationship with God was pushing me away. I say this because I came to dread the course work which was intense and completely alien from my last two degrees. I'll admit as well I didn't like to actually work and have to be spiritual about it if that makes sense. I'd rather my relationship with God be fueled by my own desire for Him and not for the grades or deadlines. The verse of the day ties in well to this lesson: "Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4. I think that maybe I was going for this degree more for myself than for God. I'll also admit that between the move and starting work I have prayed less and thought less than Godly things. I pray now that I will use my time more for a relationship and less of the tangible accolades. By that I mean I'm going to take a break from academia and focus more on relationships. Not only with God but also with my family. I can always do school later and frankly none of the school matters while I'm still in the Army. 

     More to follow, hopefully sooner than later. I love to peck away at this keyboard to get my thoughts down. I truly enjoy seeing words on a page. Something else that I know and think has often been taken for granted: the level of communication in the written word. Whether it be the bible or a blog, the written word is powerful and not to be forgotten or taken for granted. Certainly not to be underestimated.